When to Hold Steady

A variation in 'Allowing.'

Last week in one of my cohorts, a question came up about when to stay with any particular ‘hold’ and when to ‘follow’ the flow of processing to wherever the body moves next.

My first answer was to urge my brilliant co-conspirators to trust their own sensing about the matter. Resonant Attention is an art, as is, at its base, every interaction we have with each other. We try something and hope it’ll work. If it doesn’t, we gracefully re-configure. If all else fails, we bumble along and learn as we go, never losing sight that that’s all any of us are doing anyway. Eventually we gain a modicum of mastery.

But occasionally, when I’m in someone’s tissues, there’s a feeling of being pushed away that I decide to hold steady against. Which sound suspiciously like force instead of allowing. So what gives?

Inka knows all about how good it feels to be scratched.

The reason we sometimes hold steady is because it feels good to have something to rub against. Not unlike how it feels to have someone scratch your neck or back. The processing unfolds better with a little friction. We aren’t actually abandoning the allow mode; we’re leaning in more to it, providing a deeper connection to the physical realm by letting each fiber hit your hand and fully achieve that resonance. It’s a matter of giving the tissues what they want.

In a sense, we have moved on to another spot, only the spot is deeper in, instead of in a different location. And maybe that ‘deeper in’ place is within ourselves, as if we bring a stronger side of our personality into the mix to meet the person’s tissues. For me, that aspect of my personality is slightly parental. When I decide to hold steady, I often hear myself crooning to the tissues, “I got you. I’m not going anywhere. You can unfurl all you want. My boundaries are here for you.”

Processing actually always includes this firmness. It’s just that the initial firmness is more ethereal. When we first identify what’s actually showing up there in the tissues, the tissues are ‘struck’ by our seeing. “Oh my goodness, you see me! Thank you!” they seem to say. And we hold our gaze steady until they absorb how good this feels for a beat or two and then starting shifting and resolving. As the processing continues, we dig in deeper, but now with our hands, as if saying, “Yes, I also see you down there, and deeper, and down there, too! Wherever you go, I’m still going to be here witnessing you.” So ‘holding steady’ can be a depth accompaniment, like grasping your child’s hand and giving encouraging squeezes as they walk towards the school bus for the first time.

Eventually, the doors will close and the processing will take off down the street, your heart with it. And it’ll be time to let go.

Cary was on that school bus this morning.

Love,

Stella

PS - I am open to working with groups again. You can find out more at www.resonantattention.com.